chad's mental scrap heap

time and time again I try to make clear the limit of my worldly knowledge and how I admire those that posses it in magnitude. But as time goes on I realize that it is a rarity to encounter a knowledgeable individual without bias. To any degree. It is to the credit of these individuals, groups of individuals and so on that there are mysteries in the world and cause to question. But I don't shake my head at this. It is when the spewing fools who, because they have retained an amount of dates and places and hard to pronounce names take it upon their feeble heads to sing onto us the dim, their own personal rendition of a stone cut tabulator and blindly they crone a vile fantasy, a tainted history, a half truth, a fucking lie.
Simple as their motives are; to glorify self, the shadows they cast are stains. Everyone wants history to favor them. Everyone wants to be the center of it all. Everyone wants to take credit for a thing, everyone wants to be justified.
Be joyous ye Jew, you have been persecuted and as such are now named: Entitled. Raise a rifle great Nord for the warriors name is yours. You are great, you are feared. build me a watch and wave your silly sword. Dance African, for your rhythm was that that remained after all else was beaten away.
Ah! i'm getting tired of this and I haven't even made my point. HAH, I bore myself.

fail






I suck.

On an instinctive and automatic level I tend to try to blame one for anything worth blaming something on. A general behavior pattern among humans. I do however after some serious thought and some minor growing up try very consciously to keep my mind clear and accept things for what they really truly are. Ignore the convoluted bullshit, bypass the tail-eating rationalizations, DISREGARD the 'intelligent' assumptions and estimations. I try my very hardest now to walk directly toward the problem and see it for what it is...

*** heh, like clockwork; every morning this huge, shaggy black cat strolls across to the front of the complex from somewhere around Melinda's building at approximately the same time. Got that Hachiko thing going on. ***


... and take it as such. What I see will remain what I see and what I don't see will remain unseen until it, in it's own form, comes to view. Not some doppelganger. Not some artist's impression (though those, as it turns out, are more scientifically grounded than I had previously thought. HM), and surely not some second hand witness report. Of course some use can come of these way-warders; general outlines to reference an image,

boy i Fuckin hate tha...**haha, spellchecker just suggested I change 'Fuckin' to Trucking, Luckiness, Flocking and Buckingham. precious.*** So yeah, I Fucking hate trying to make a point and end up vomiting out a vaguely decipherable jumble of words slightly related to whatever topic it is I wanted to bore you with.

I think I wanted to say that I believe I have gotten to the point where my over thinking may actually have become useful by making me less susceptible to typical drama and pointless bullshit I would normally, without thought, be caught up in for little more reason than misunderstanding the situation and taking offense to some well-fitting shoe of an observation I just happened to step in the line of.
Oh man, I just can't seem to help with the similes, metaphors and analogies. Goodness. It is seriously as if plain speech is beyond me or too advanced for me. I guess that will be another hurdle for me to aim for and hopefully clear some many years from now ;)

So there's this old NES game called Rampart. It had a pretty basic but fun concept of siege combat that went down in two phases; first the player starts off with an incomplete or damaged castle and is tasked with repairing and fortifying the walls with a time limit. the next phase has the fortifications tested by enemy attack and the player attempts to counter attack in this phase as well.
I thought of a fresh next-generation update to this concept with a cross licensed cast and huge post sale support via DLC.
The game would still be based on the same basic concept of 1:Preparation and 2: Attack/Defend this concept will be juiced up with a Highly cinematic style battlefield views and camera systems. Also distinct and dynamic environments, architecture, character, weapon and structure designs will fill out and reinforce the dramatic look and feel of the action packed gameplay and overall experience.
The cinematic effects will include cameras cutting to High damage strikes like a direct hit to a wall from a catapult, capturing critical moments in a given battle like a wall collapsing or being breached. dramatics like a siege ladder being pushed from a wall loaded with would be invaders and one of many preset cameras watching, like a ground camera viewing it fall on top of it (a foot soldier type view) complete with rattle and shake effects upon close proximity impact.
Other elements would include fleshed out audio and animation from the battlefield and all combatants. contextual yelling and responses from commanders, squad leaders, infantry, archer, special squads etc. Yells for help from wounded and those outnumbered, cornered etc. Other units actually hearing distress calls and responding. Leaders yelling to their men to change tactics, curses to the enemy. A system should be in place to make sure the player will hear what is important too. so if they are defending and a part of their wall is in danger of collapse they will hear a soldier close by yell out the status and the opportunity to jump to that part of the field with a quick button press should be provided.
Actual gameplay could be in the form of a cursor the player uses to influence the battlefield as orders from a commander that is the player's avatar or just a relay between the troops and the player. the cursor would be context sensitive, displaying different options and orders depending on what or who is being highlighted. The actual combat should be simple enough to allow the player to keep an eye on all aspects of the battle and not be overwhelmed with any one thing. So a system is needed which allows the player to simply highlight an enemy, group of enemies or ground or structure close to or housing enemies and by tapping one of the D-pad buttons or face action buttons, order a certain type of attack to be launched; Magic, Melee, ranged etc. this will trigger the closest or best positioned unit with the chosen attack abilities to engage the selected target(s). The combat can also work in the traditional RTS fashion where a unit or group of units are selected then directly ordered to attack, defend, repair etc.
The Armies of Rampart will be varied in tactics, origins, appearances and even possibly Franchises :-) Represented could be sub groups from various games and game franchises of the past and present like the greenskins of Warhammer, Terrans from Starcraft, the Locusts from Gears of War etc. These Armies will be bonus Armies that are eventually unlocked through various means. The native Armies will have Medieval fantasy themes. Each army will have accompanying unique weapons, war machines and technologies that make them play differently from the others.

To be continued-

I liken my relations with livejournal to the Minigun; I spool up the barrels and unleash a devastating (annoying and pointless) barrage of bullets (entries) and when i run out (2-3 days later) I drop the weapon and let it cool off (30-50 weeks) until it's safe to handle (have something 'clever' to say) then I reload (go through the process of recovering my ID and password etc.) and start the shootin' again. Hyuk!

I want very badly to be someplace else. I have this place in my head and it's not even that far away. Down the road a bit then across the bridge. I want to surround myself with the fascinating and unfamiliar. i want it to stay unfamiliar. Just so it can be fresh and new forever. So that every time I wake up there is that scent of wonder and that feeling of the strange that keeps my eyes absorbing all around me and my mind racing to keep pace with these beautiful creatures that claim citizenship to this wonderland across the way.
I wish to return to a naivety that I knew ages ago that made even the evil and darkness a harmless curiosity. I've become so faded into the scenery here and now. So aged and weathered and tired and hopeless. So poisoned and sick, my skin floats off my bones. Longing to be new again, it's selfish and childish. It's all I want, to neglect the now in all it's trivial validity.
I don't even make a serious connection to life anymore, i do not think it is as serious as I used to and as I was made to believe it is. I have peeled back the layers of laws and fables and all the man made shit constructed to define mankind's superiority to all other things in the carbon spectrum. Our self proclaimed superiority, for all the garbage we create and combine and wrap ourselves in, we are still the nothing we started out as. We are still the nothing we were designed to be. Swimming in our fallacious ambitions, we are still the insignificant bi products of some greater movement.
Inflated and over inflated egos.
hatred evolved from blame evolved from cowardice.
Infected by the bullshit spewing from the cavernous hollows fools brandish like crowns. We are poisoned, we are still nothing.
For all the chemical concoctions pulsing through branches and twigs and limbs of vessels balled up inside vessels mounted upon pillars of flesh, the alchemy of climaxed emotions dictate naught but slight shifts in the compost. Our beds of filth archive our flashes of existence and those of those before, and those of those to come.
Spoken, my mind is lucid. As clear and solid and concise as the most abbreviated path of conversing points. As clouded as the sight of those that remain above the peels. As blind as them that savor the surface, the topographical existence that keeps us stunted in childhood. Keeps us surrounded by the familiar and the comfortable. Keeps us shackled to the starting line, the spawning pool, the hole. Keeps us the nothings we are, the nothings we were and ever will be.

A heathcliff has he,
Or a Persian is she?
my window floats on java house,
hosted the binary concealed parts traders
did i,

!Please note! ALL PARTS MUST BE RETURNED TO DESIGNATION UPON COMPLETION OF TRANSACTIONS
AS it is against all scientific statutes, particularly physics, biology, and common sense to keep a traded part traded. yes?

All privacy disclosures have been maintained and while fractures in the contract have been detected by the none-the-less, they can at best be classified as speculated content until the blueprint and herd copy can be legitimized and verified as legitimate.

To continue on the speculated copy projection; the transaction hereby executed on shadow terms in noted elevation supervised in refracted ocular standard compounded with therma-distortion hindrance. Transmissions received, filtered, oscillated, retransmitted and re-received in minimal 2 stations. layman classification receptacles, dock nodes, gutter holes.

Influential and active ingredients H-chem standard fuel alternative decipher D-chem. detection of methane solid-source typical projected lat-lon. determined to be thruster loc. standard. confirmed.

ever feel like your putting in more than you getting out? i guess it's the laws of efficiency; can't ever get back 100% of what you put in. but shit, not even 10%? maybe my knowledge of physics is direly dated but i still think something stinks.
Wanna know what it's like to talk to someone that doesn't respond? Frustrating. when every answer is 'Nothing' and 'I don't know'. Infuriating. Makes you want to completely give up on dealing with that person because you just don't see how you can handle hearing the same deflective words. not even sentences or phrases. And god forbid i get upset about it cause then i'm a grouch, I'm miserable for no reason, I'm not allowed to be angry and frustrated at the...bleh... i'm tired of this

First day of the new year. Nothing special. Hung over, Naturally. Woke up unusually early. Me and Steve went to 7-11 for smokes and gatorade. His new g/f Amy spent the night. She seems nice.
When Steve and I returned to the apartment, he set up a toaster oven his mother gave him for christmas and I got to be the first to use it. Warmed up a slice of pizza from last night that Chrissy bought. She was over last night with her boyfriend Alex and his friend Kevin.
I began talking with Steve about this concept I've been working on for an MMORPG video game and he would throw me ideas and other concepts which I really like and as soon as I'm done with this entry, am going to write down in my Concept + Design notebook. It was a really good conversation and a rich exchange of ideas. I should definitely make it a point to run more concepts by him and pick his brain.
In other news, got a letter from Melinda that wasn't very happy. She got the job change she wanted (which is good). She accused me of not caring about her as much as she does for me. Accused me of still using. and said she didn't receive the money I sent to her. It's a bit hurtful to be told you don't care or oyu don't act like you care enough. What is pissing me off is her not receiving the money i sent. It's the very reasoin i'm aprehensive about sending money in the first place; the fact that it could easily be stolen by those upstanding citizens that check the inmates' mail and whatever. I still have the reciept so I'm going to call and inquire with Western union see if it has been cashed and possibly by whom. I knoiw it's probably easy for those fucks to steal from the inmates since they don't actually cash the money orders themselve. for fuck sake man, that shit just sucks. Now she probably thinks I'm lying to her when i tell her i sent her money and am gonna use the 'they must have stolen it' as an excuse. whatever.
I try to do things for her. I send the money when i can. that money was absoloutely all i had left of my paycheck after paying fines and bills. But she keeps telling me that i don't care and what not.

You are so beautiful to me. I cannot imagine myself with anyone else. I think oour relationship has the potential to be something real nice. Something strong and enduring. lord knows we've already been through some tough shit. together and even by ourselves, before we came into each other's lives.
I know and accept that all we've done; every mistake every success, every sour note every tear has made us who we are today and today I belong to you. I want to be yours forever and I want you to be mine for that long. My life without you will carry very little meaning and most of my days are spent preparing for your return. Dreaming of the day we can hold each others hands and vow never to leave each others' sides. I'm so happy that we've given ourselves to each other and that our lives together hold so much promise. I know being in love and happy in each other's arms will not be all that is required to give us a good life and I'm doing all that i can to make a hapy home for us. I can't wait till you're home! the thought excites me and I get giddy. Haha. I miss you so much. sometimes I wonder if it's the absence that makes us love each other so y'know? like if we were here together all this time would we still love each other this much? I'm so excited about what the future holds for us. Can't wait 'till your home Darlin'. I love you.

Meh...

i'm a selfish asshole. shame on me.

so i rush out of work today hoping to be able to catch the bus home. i made it. So i'm standing there waiting for the bus driver to return to the bus and I'm thinking about front burner issues I've been having; Mainly the lost hope of having a decent life after having lost pretty much everything about a year ago and my only way out being a total start over.
Yeah, that prospect just didn't seem appealing in the least. Especially at my age, I thought it wouldn't be worth it at all, that by the time i get anywhere remotely satisfying it'd be time to throw in the towel. I thought about disscusions and arguments I had with my girlfriend over this topic and thought of all the ways she tried to get me thinking positive, get me motivated, all that. Then I thought about something else and all of a sudden there was this burst of enthusiasm and drive in my gut. Her words, in my head, were suddenly absorbable. My other thought was of a friend of mine, Mike Mcarthur. Simply put: He's a go-getter. I just thought of how he's an assistant manager now and when i met him he was a regular associate like me.
I'm just gonna focus on fixing my shit and not on how long it's gonna take, Because i reeeally really want to be professional at something. Either Industrial Design or a freakin Blacksmith.

everytime, without fail. it comes eventually. eventually, but surely.
I lie the whole time before it happens, lie and lie and lie. Lie to myself that i'm fine, i'm okay, everyone is like this. Every othernormal person would react this way. I lie until i can't even pretend to believe what i'm telling myself because at the lowest point of the event I know i'm lying and I dare not even open my mouth.
Maybe it begins with delusion so maybe i don't know better. But noit long after i'm just being stubborn. I get overly defensive when my flaws are pointed out and the issue just gets tossed aside either in the midst of an argument or fades with awkward silence. I hate feeling like this all the time. I hate behaving like this all the time, but it also, in it's own strange way feels normal. As if there is no other way to exist for me. As if it's the way I was meant to go through life. ruining potentially beautiful relationships, leaving the stain of disgust on the tongues of those that have had the displeasure of my company, ruining perfect memories.

I don't want to do this anymore.

lie lie lie


LIE FUCKING LIE!!!!!!



DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME!!!!!!!

I really don't know whats wrong with me. if anyhting at all. one little thing just throws the whole structure off its foundation. am i right? am i over thinking shit?
too coincidential to be coincidence. he returns, she changes. sound and face. all the empty spaces on this side were filled in on their side. shift to impress.


WHAT THE FUCK!





tell me i'm wrong.

it is my scientific deduction that baby across hall no like Laibach.


i care not!! i stomp away in the mornig as per my usual waking up!!






and now for some XOTOX!!!!

hell of a way to find out i'm responsible for my girlfriend getting kicked out of rehab. I'm terribly sorry. to add to it all, she seems to be faltering in her recovery, something which i also believe is at least partly my fault. I don't want to see her fail, she has this inspirational drive now that would be a shame to see it fade or die. I love you, don't give up.

what to do what to do when you're stuck with a habit thats gonna ruin everything you've been living for. this fuckin sucks man. i don't want to lose you. i don't want to seem like i'm giving up on us but it ain't easy to just walk away from this. Sometimes it feels like i don't even want to quit. maybe it's that delusional part of this whole process.

roooolZ!!